You've Earned It

Catharsis time. Brace yourselves for a huge purge...

If you have ever ventured into one of my writings, you are probably aware that personal responsibility and owning yours is paramount to being a good person and being able to grow. Can't improve what you deny. Social media and I had to take a break for a bit because of personal circumstances that made me even more sensitive and I was looking for a little privacy for our family. It's time to break the silence though and let some of it out. 

Over the summer, I was informed my father was terminally ill. We went to see him at his request. I figured that letting a dying man say what he needed to was the right thing to do. While the end result wasn't sunshine and happiness, it did turn out for the best. It's no secret that my family from my childhood runs on the wrong side of the law and have heavy abuse history (physical, alcohol, drugs...you name it) so opening myself up to that again was approached with trepidation. I knew what got him in the hospital but to hear him say he got there by "being a fucking drunk" was a bit surprising. He laid there in the hospital bed - swollen, missing his right leg, in immense pain, delusional- he blamed being there on a bat bite at one point, frail (the man was 6'4" and was a plasterer for 40 years so at his peak he had an intimidating stature) not lucid for the most part, angry, bitter and the most horrifying color of a maize/umber I have ever seen. He admittedly earned that position. Over 40 years of being a drug addict and an alcoholic earned him a miserable end to life. He's 65 and being kept alive by life support, mostly comatose. He was bitter about my success and happiness in life because I have earned something that eluded him due to his choices. 

Alcoholism took my former boss the same way. A millionaire that gave up his marriage, his children, his home, cost him his livelihood (he quit a 7 figure income) and his life. Also once a physically fit and active person - college football player, former helicopter paramedic, bodybuilder and avid bicyclist. But don't even get me started on cyclists and the rampant and encouraged behavior of drunkenness - that culture is positively riddled with alcoholism. He blamed others constantly for his misgivings and mistakes. He would lash out and get angry when he had been "caught" doing something he wasn't supposed to and would blame the person who discovered the wrong instead. You never knew what kind of communication it would be. Alcoholic behavior is only predictable to an extent. One moment he would seem together and the next he would be angry and incompetent. He suffered delusions as well - the days prior to him quitting were nothing short of terrifying. He was screaming in our office hallway at ghosts that he was going to shoot them. It was frightening not knowing what frame of mind he would be in. Early in life he earned himself an enviable life, only to squander it on the more attractive prospect of booze. He died last December at 58. After all, alcohol is sexy, right?

My children are now suffering from an addicted parent with a startling amount of similarities to the previous two men mentioned. Those details won't be set out here because my children don't deserve to have their specifics released publicly. A brief overview will have to suffice for this part. A former? Meth addict of at least a decade from the early age of 13, about the time he started drinking as well. He has been in rehab 5 times to no avail. At 42, he lost his first marriage and now his children from it. He is facing losing his home, his job and his freedom as well. 30 years of addiction has my children afraid for his fate, they've seen it deteriorate him already. Like other addicts, he "earned" his alcohol by a hard days work or having to deal with the stresses of life. 

Life is stressful. That can't be avoided. Alcohol should never be where you turn when there has been complications of life. If you have a hard day and feel like you have "earned" a drink - you are an alcoholic. If you are blaming others for your mistakes or problems - you are an alcoholic. If you find yourself lying or not able to recall events properly- you are an alcoholic. If you need alcohol to have a good time - you are an alcoholic. If you can't go weeks without a drink - you are an alcoholic. If your children know your drink of choice and see you drink frequently- you are an alcoholic.While it ends up a disease, it starts as a choice. Alcoholics will make excuses to drink and blame others for their drinking. "I had a tough day" is not a reason to drink, it's a reason to reexamine your choices. If you feel like this could be about you - seek some help because this is about my frustration with the alcoholic society we live in, not any particular person. Earn something better in life than a drink and an addiction. Earn the trust of those in your life, earn the ability to live clandestine. Earn the ability to be able to own success, rather than blame others and make excuses for your failures. You earn what you work for, for a better world for all of us, earn a good and sober life. 

With all of that divulged, don't be surprised if our household won't be around you if you are an alcoholic. We will choose not to expose our children to alcohol and any events where it is prevalent because they have been traumatized by it. We will make the right choices for put family and that choice is a life that doesn't have alcohol present. We are happy with who we are and don't need to escape from reality. We have made our choice, that choice is a commitment to our overall well being. We choose not to have alcohol in our home. We choose life, hope you do too. 

Living With Dying

Living healthy is the slowest rate at which one can die. That phrase sucks. I DO live healthy and am currently considered chronically ill and recently found out that I am believed to be terminally ill. The sad truth is that sometimes illness is beyond our control. Genetics, accidents, side effects from operations or medications are the biggest contributing factors to my illness. That isn't me dismissing my shortcomings health wise - I binged and purged as a teen, alcohol use in my early twenties, anorexia in my late 20s/early 30s and a horrible soda addiction that was, at one point in time, a twelve pack of soda a day. Stark difference from where I am at currently. 8-10 bottles (16-20 oz) of water a day and occasionally a soda, somedays not even one. Food intake is limited to the Fodmap diet (I don't even like cheeseburgers anymore) I exercise reasonably and often, mostly in the yard doing work like: weeding, digging, mulching, sweeping - that is about 2 hours a day, so no lack of exercise. There is a part of me that hopes my commitment will do some good because I'm not foolish enough to think it saves me.

Being chronically ill is nothing new, it started 15 years ago. As illnesses and diagnosis after diagnosis adds up, my resolve had worn down some. Battles I choose to fight are the ones that are truly important. Believe if I am standing up for or expressing something right now, that it had warranted such a response and has merit. I not interested in tossing my spoons (check out the spoon theory about being chronically ill) in the air like I am making it rain in the club. Each one is precious and reserved for NEEDS. If I spend my spoons for you, I am placing your well-being in front of mine. Learning how to spend my energy and how to find more has been a tough adjustment. My husband calls the feverish and intent pace I practice as "insanity pace". Insanity pace is a product of pure fear, fear I am running out of time and leaving things unfinished for others to complete. So when you judge how ill I am against what I can still accomplish, it often doesn't add up, but that's because of the unseen variable of this equation - determination. What I lack in health, I have determination in spades for.

Being chronically ill has been a suffering of more than just the physical sense. The worst suffering isn't the pain or the psychological process of coming to terms with your mortality, but the emotional strain of personal relationships. People tire of complaints about being ill, question the validity of your illness, detach themselves because sick people are lame and boring, lack of social interaction, family and friends who never offer help despite knowing I am ill but feel free to not only ask but expect me to do for them, watching my husband suffer watching me be ill and nobody offering him an ear or a shoulder, missing out on my opportunities to be with my kids because my body shuts down and goes to sleep, having people not understand that sometimes I just don't feel well enough for social events, feelings of failing my children even though they get phenomenal care, the fear that this will pass on to my children and they will suffer the same fate. Our home used to be filled with friends on the regular and they have all disappeared. Some friends can't even muster a reply when you tell them how sick you are. The worst part of being chronically ill is the loneliness. Evenings in bed while my family laughs just a room away, seeing people post publicly they are close but never stop by, being excluded from plans, not having anyone to relate to, desperately trying to hide my tears and pain from my children because it is important to me that their empathetic souls are spared my suffering.

Sometimes these days, the worst part of dying is living in loneliness. I'm still alive and still a person an would like to be treated like one, knowing full well it's too much to ask.